Rural Cassanova: Rod 'Zimmatisfaction' Keller Plows Through Area Singles on FarmersOnly.com

February 11, 2015

 


         In July of 2014, Hill City resident Rod Keller was your ordinary farmer. Worried about the weather, crop prices and....a bit lonely. Lured in by the barrage of well-produced and flashy adverstisements by the internet dating site FarmersOnly.com, Mr. Keller thought he'd give it a try. What ensued can only be described as a relentless tirade of one night stands, afternoon delights and parking lot fellatio.

       During his 6 month agrarian sex odyssey,  Mr. Keller set the FO record for most “winks”, “would see agains” and a (previously thought impossible) Ten Star “Zimmatisfaction” rating. To put this in perspective, the second highest Z rating, a mere 7.3 stars, belongs to a Mountain Home crop duster whose profile name is 'El Nino'.  Not one to brag, Keller says, " I've always been a master at irrigation, I guess my field skills work just as well in bedroom, parking lot, fast food restaurant bathrooms and such.” 

 

        One need only  look at Kellers’ glowing reviews to validate why he was FO’s #1 stud in Southern Idaho.

 

 

 

“Rod plowed my field, then made the best Spanish omelet I’ve ever eaten” Kate C.- Bellevue
 

 

 

 

“ My harvest was long overdue..…Rod took me to market in record time." Carol H.- Jerome
 

 

 

 

 

 

“ Rod's sub-soiler broke up the persistent hardpan in my back 40 with ease.”  Bessy G.- Richfield

 

 

 

 

"My ass is killing me." Larry C.- Boise

     

       

 

 

 

           FarmersOnly (owned by the same web dating conglomerate as BlackPeopleMeet, JDate and ChristianMingle) is in a state of total disbelief after Keller's carnal march through the Snake River Plain. A source within the organization who requested to remain anonymous stated " I've been in the algo dating business for over 22 years and have never see anything like it. Fucking unbelievable."

    

         Unfortunately, this story has a sad ending for many ladies of the Valley and surrounding areas. Rod has ended his membership at FarmersOnly citing “ I’m a crop rotation kind of guy and need to move on to greener pastures”.

    

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