by Chip Burley
Ketchum, ID-- Zeke Gooding is participating in a week long 'cleanse' hosted and facilitated by the Sharted Fig Café specializing in raw/vegan cuisine. Gooding reportedly was convinced by his wife that it would not only be a healthy change up to his current diet but would also be a fun activity they could do together. Desperately in need of spousal brownie points after drunkenly wrecking his father-in-laws’ golf cart last summer, Gooding accepted the 5 day challenge.
At the Day 1 orientation meeting, Gooding was a bit surprised while looking around the room at his fellow cleansers. The primary demographic were women age 30 to 50 who appeared to be in excellent health and, if anything, could stand to eat more tater-tots rather than quinoa broth. There was also a dude wearing moccasins carrying a didgeridoo and an obese cowboy who had possibly never eaten non-creamed vegetables in his entire life.
“This guy was about 2 honey buns away from ‘What’s eating Gilbert Grape’ territory.” said Gooding in reference to the Jabbaesque character who was staring at a glass of green juice like he’d rather just fucking die than have to pour that into his mouth hole.
So far, everything seemed pretty straight forward. Pick up your meals 3 times a day and don’t drink or get high for a week. Sure, being sober was something Gooding hadn’t done since he was 17 but, what the hell, he’d give it a whirl. Just when he thought the meeting was about to adjourn, the cleanse guru pulled out a large plastic vessel with a 6 foot piece of garden hose attached to it and said, “Folks, this is an enema bucket. It is extremely important you use it this week to help remove all the toxins from your body.”
After a lengthy explanation on how to properly self-administer an enema, Gooding was in borderline shock. What really freaked him out were some of the ‘DO NOT DO THIS’ examples and he began having visions of a system malfunction that resembled a rectally powered one-armed Water Willy sprinkler.
“Babe, I had zero idea that gravity bonging a gallon of saltwater up my ass 3 times a day was part of the operation.” whispered Gooding to his wife who gave him a combo ‘don’t fuck with me’ and ‘divorce/rehab’ stare.
At press time, Gooding was still actively participating in the cleanse and reported the enema thing wasn’t even that big a deal. In hopes of helping others on the cleanse journey, he offered this inspirational quote:
“Like almost every challenge in life, it comes down to good technique and a lot of lube.” -- Justice Sandra Day O’Connor