Kale Destroying Valley Sewer Systems

April 21, 2015

 

 

       Information leaked from a recent study conducted by the Army Corp of Engineers indicates multiple wastewater management system's throughout the Wood River Valley are at risk of 'catastrophic failure'. While the official cause of the damage hasn't been released, many are speculating that the enormous spike in kale consumption over the last 5 years is to blame.

 

         Dr. Kip Riggins of Idaho State University has identified a correlation between the recent surge in demand for the nutrient-dense leafy green and a significant increase in service calls for home septic systems and municipal sewers. "The evidence is overwhelming." said Riggins. "The demand increase, or as we call it, Kalemageddon, began in 2010, suffered a minor crash in 2013 when people discovered it could be grown at home, then soon spiked upwards again when people discovered gardening to be a shitload of work."

 

       So, what could possibly be bad about more consumption of such a healthy salad green packed with micronutrients and insoluble fiber? Dr. Riggins continued with his theory, "The most fascinating discovery we've made is that kale somehow multiplies in volume as it passes through the human digestive tract. Put it in layman's terms, one ingested bowl of kale somehow manifests into almost 6 times its original volume just prior to volcanically shooting from your ass." Dr. Riggins is calling this newly discovered intestinal waste multiplying phenomenon the 'Gremlin Effect'. 

 

     Riggin's theory appears to be backed up by some anecdotal evidence provided by an insider with extensive knowledge of the local sewer infrastructure. "I've been warning the town for years." said a wastewater treatment plant employee who wished to remain anonymous, "I knew the system was vulnerable after Michael Franti hosted that 10,000 person yoga session/vegan picnic a couple years back. I've never seen anything like it in my 30 years on the job and wouldn't wish that experience on my worst enemy." The anonymous shitsman solemnly bowed his head before adding, "We called it the 'Jolly Green Tsunami'."

 

     "Ultimately, this problem could be easily solved by simply amending the amount of and method in which kale is delivered to your body." said Riggins. "The 'vegetable smoothie' style preparation, I believe, is the main culprit in the recent pounding of our collective plumbing. For example, instead of cramming more greens than a fucking hippo could eat into a $1000 blender that condenses them into a 4 oz. gulpable slurry, perhaps try a more 'natural' method of eating." Dr. Riggins concluded with, "For the sake of ours, and every other new-age yuppster infested ski town, I recommend taking a standard sized portion of salad greens then, using your hands, a fork or some kweefy-ass little chopsticks, transfer bite-sized amounts into your mouth hole, chew for a bit, then swallow."

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