If you happen to be one of the dozen or so people that read the Mountain Express, you may have noticed the article related to zoning restrictions that are keeping ‘adult erotica’ stores out of the valley. For many years, residents and visitors alike have complained about the lack of storefronts in which they could make an over-the-counter purchase of a pair of fur handcuffs, edible underpants or rubberized fist with a jackhammer grip.
“Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I like to be able to actually walk into an establishment, browse through the aisles before making my selection, walk up to a counter, make eye contact with a clerk and ask them to please ring up my DVD copy of Chicks with Midget Dicks VII, leather gimp mask and penis pump.” said Hemingway Elementary School teacher Joe Sarsfield.
“I couldn’t agree more.” said mother of 3 and regular volunteer at the Animal Shelter, Marilyn Barnes. “If there’s one thing missing from our valley, it’s somewhere my husband and I can stumble into after a date night, purchase a quart of Astroglide, some butt-beads and, perhaps, an inflatable pocket pussy before heading home to watch a Game of Thrones episode.”
There have, however, been detractors to the idea of allowing porn shops in town like Board Ranch resident, Gib Fitball. “For Chrissakes, that’s the last thing we need!” declared Fitball while trading a yellow card at the post office for a box shaped like an enormous dick n’ balls themed pogo stick. “Can’t everyone just show some discretion and order these things online?”.