Winter is far from over, but recent unseasonably warm weather across the western US has caused a number of spandex clad cyclist to emerge earlier than usual from hybernation. For the most part, these road bike enthusiasts show a solid awareness of their own mortality and respect the fact they are riding a fucking bike on a narrow road with a 65 mph speed limit designed solely for automobiles. There are, however, a number of riders who believe that they're entitled to put people’s lives in danger by insisting on riding left of the white line.
Here’s The Marten Stuffer’s step-by-step guide of how to deal with problem road bikers:
Step 1: Identify the Problem- You spot a cyclist dressed like a human suppository, head down, desperately trying to pedal out a lifetime of sexual frustration. Although there is a solid 4 feet of paved shoulder, they, for some reason, are riding in the road and have now forced you to deal with their idiocy.
Step 2: Make a Plan- Best case scenario, you have good visibility of other cars/hazards and can safely pass the dipshit playing out his sad little Tour de France fantasy. There are, however, many other options of dealing with the situation which can be both educational for the biker and extremely fun/self-satisfying for you, the driver.
Step 3: Execute the Plan- First, pull alongside the offender and ask if they’re ‘crazy’ and/or ‘retarded’. The reason we do this is because under no circumstances is it OK to harass or make fun of crazy retards. Once you’re confident this is not an escaped mental patient but simply an asshole in a speedsuit willfully riding a bike down the middle of a highway, you may proceed. It’s important to be clear and direct with your message. “Hey, shit for brains! Get outta the fucking road!!” is a useful phrase that’s understood in almost all languages.
Step 4. Prepare for Retaliation- This is where the fun starts. Let’s say they give you some ‘share the road’ bullshit and maybe a middle finger (the style with thumb out and curled knuckles, of course). Now, you can make the choice to either continue on with your life or invoke ‘River Law’ and truly make this a meaningful encounter for both you and Lance Jr.
Step 5. Do the World a Favor- First of all, thank you for even considering this next action. It means a lot to all of us. Go ahead and maneuver your automobile in such a way as to force the cyclist to swerve from the road and crash into a ditch. At this point, you’ve already ruined his STRAVA time which is tantamount to butt-fucking him on live TV while eating a popsicle. That may feel sufficient and you can continue on your way. However, if you feel like there’s some more meat left on that bone, get out and drag him up to the road for a quick refresher course on what that little white line means and which side he’s supposed to be on for his and everyone else’s safety. Keep in mind, they will be difficult to grip because of the slick nature of skin tight polymer clothing, so, be prepared to use both hands and get a bit dirty. At this point, the offender will likely be in hysterics and there is no way a person in that condition can fully comprehend the valuable lesson you are teaching them. I find that about 3 or 4 solid whacks with a nightstick calms them down and gives you their undivided attention. **Important** Having a person beg for their life can make you feel like a bit of a psycho and even worry that you've gone too far, but remember, they started it. You’re doing them and the rest of the world a favor.
Step 6. Icing on the Cake- This is, by far, the most satisfying part. Place their $12,000 bike on the road and drive back and forth over it 5 to 500 times so as to return it to the carbonized dust from whence it came. (This action can be enhanced for both you and the bike's owner if every crunch of the frame is followed by a ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ style holler)
Step 7. Hire a Good Lawyer - Although you should probably be awarded a goddam medal for your actions, unfortunately, all of Step’s 5 and 6 are highly illegal and will most likely lead to multiple felony convictions.