President Obama has signed the Boulder-White Clouds Wilderness Bill which now permanently protects over 275 thousand acres as designated Wilderness. A Rose Garden ceremony was held to celebrate this historic new conservation effort which was attended by Smokey the Bear, Scott Baio and Frank Church’s adopted nephew, Terrance. President Obama declared, “It’s straight wilderness, son!!” before dropping the mic and boarding Air Force One en route to Hawaii for a 3 week vacation.
Not all are pleased, however. The Wood River Bicycle Coalition, a Blaine County non-profit organization representing Wood River Valley’s genetically modified bicyclists (GMBs) have taken affront to the bill which will prohibit mechanized travel throughout the wilderness area, including the use of bicycles. Brett Stevenson, WRBC Board Director, stated, “We just got this weird-ass phone call from someone in New York asking if I wear women’s underwear and, if so, does my junk hang out?”.
In the NYC artistic circle, this is the well known calling card of Christo and Jeanne-Claude Javacheff, the controversial environmental artists best known for their pink saran wrap cloaked islands in south Florida’s Biscayne Bay and The Gates project in New York City’s Central Park. In fact, Christo and Jeanne-Claude have now offered their services to entirely 'condom' wrap Castle Peak in spandex to protest this new bill on behalf the restrictions now placed on cyclists.
James Hairafay, spokesman for the artistic duo, stated, “The central mountains of Idaho are a unique ecosystem deserving of Wilderness protection, however, this bill effectively eliminates tasty, fit human beings profusely sweating their way deeply into a ‘divide’ and through some form of curvaceous ‘basin’. Therefore, in protest, we plan to completely wrap a mountain in a spandex/lycra prophylactic to symbolize the overreach of government and show support, extremely tight support, for the cycling community.” Asked for further comment, Hairafay added, “It has to be revealing, we want the girth of the mountain enhanced, with the tip noticeably swelled. Then, and only then, will we be free."