Houston, TX-- NASA Chief Imaging Director Carl Batch called a press conference on Monday to confirm what many residents of Washington, Oregon and Idaho had suspected--The Western United States is actually Keith Richard's left lung. Batch stated, "As the smoke density continued to increase to the point of aggregate health concerns, we became more and more suspect of our actual location. Chemical analysis of the actual smoke was an exact match to Pall Mall 100's and we knew we were on to something.” Batch continued, “We repositioned one of our most delicate birds to obtain an MRI of the Western United States and, as Keith would say, 'smoke 'em if you got 'em'."
President Obama, friend of Richards and fellow smoker, immediately issued a statement, offering, "I am shocked and dismayed to discover that the northwestern region of the country is, in fact, Keith Richards left lung.” Obama continued, “Unfortunately, the situation is expected to further deteriorate until there is nothing left but soot and tar.”
At press time, Mr. Richards was seen at a Manhattan dive bar, smoking a Pall Mall 100 with the filter torn off. "Bollocks!" he yelled upon learning of NASA's discovery before ordering a steak, another Jack Daniels and falling head first through a nearby wait station.
Unconfirmed reports had NASA repositioning the same bird to confirm if Oklahoma was actually located deep inside Oprah Winfrey's lower intestine.