City of Ketchum: "If the Farmers Market Won't Move, We Will"

April 11, 2015

 

 

      In an unexpected turn of events, the City of Ketchum has announced it will move forward with plans to relocate their headquarters from City Hall in light of the Ketchum Farmer's Market refusal to find a new location.  The Farmer's Market was the recent target of ire by the City of Ketchum which has already disposed of the wolf, abortion, and vaccination debates and is looking for a new, 'more close to home' subject to tackle.

 

       The Farmer's Market understandably has created a stir in town since its opening five years ago. Blamed with creating an unfavorably high level of commerce, pedestrian activity, and overall "vibe", the City of Ketchum recently explored moving the market to a "quiet place on the west side of town where the sun doesn't shine."  This was immediately appealed by the Farmers Market board of directors who lobbed tomatoes saying, "If they think we are moving, they can suck it.  A cucumber that is. And not some little pickler variety, either. We're talkin' one of those 20" Euro-cukes...... Sorry, we didn't mean that.  But seriously, fuck them."

 

       Reviled for its acoustic music, availability of unnecessary pet knick-knacks such as organic salving balm for feline udders and a row of overly Mennonite looking girls in serious need of yoga pants and skin bronzer, the Farmer's Market was asked to leave.

 

 

          "Do you have some dipshit LARPer playing Stairway to Heaven outside your office on a goddam lute???" asked Mayor Nina Jonas who is currently under investigation for being possessed by the spirit of Dan Quayle. "Well, it's fucking awful. Something's got to give." Jonas continued, "Our administration is open to all sorts of new ideas, and for a change we are taking a page from the City of Sun Valley.  We've voted internally to adopt their current platform of Wanton Dumbfuckery.  It's time to to clean up the city streets, get rid of the annoying flea market for vegetables, and return to our roots as an insane asylum for retirees.  But since the market refuses to leave, we will."

 

       Ketchum is rumored to have its eye on a vacant mansion about 7 miles north of town owned by beloved Turner & Hooch actor, Tom Hanks . The sprawling estate has never been occupied since its completion in 2008 and (aside from the likelihood of a catastrophic structural failure) would be a fantastic location for the City of Ketchum to conduct its weekly 'Raping of the Goat Ceremony' formerly known as 'Performing of the Fiduciary Responsibilities'.

 

        The real controversy of this story, according to one local intercepted as she exited the Gather Yoga studio, are the Mennonites, "They look abused, as if they have never done pilates or had a juice cleanse in their lives, the Farmer's Market must go.  It's child labor exploitation," she declared while simultaneously wiping lipstick from a Starbucks cup and dislodging the Lululemons from her buttcrack.  "My kids will never work for as long as they live."

 

 

**Those interested in adopting a Mennonite should contact the Wood River Animal Shelter at www.woodriveranimal.org**

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