Mayor-Elect Neil Bradshaw Promises 'Community Based Community'

November 8, 2017

 

The Marten Stuffer’s Butch Fairfield goes one on one

with Ketchum Mayor-elect, Neil Bradshaw:

 

 

First Neil, let me congratulate you on your recent victory for Ketchum Mayor. I apologize we didn't get a chance to do this interview prior to the election as I was just released yesterday from Third Beginnings Recovery center down in Murtaugh.

 

Thanks for having me Butch and I appreciate the congratulatory remarks.

 

So, you won the election. Let’s face it Neil, that’s not really saying a whole lot. You only had 832 more votes than me and I didn’t even run.

 

Well, it was a tough campaign and I'm thankful that I was able to come out on top.

 

What was the clincher for you? My guess is the fake Aussie accent.

 

It’s actually my real accent and it’s Zimbabwean.

 

Zimbabwean? You clearly used that to reel in Ketchum’s African American voters….smart move. Being African American, I'm sure you’re sick as hell of these entitled bastards in the valley with their “white privilege”. You feel me homey?

 

When it comes to race, I'm color blind. I'm also color blind when it comes to actual colors. I am literally and figuratively color blind. 

 

Well, that certainly helps explain your outfit. It’s a miracle you got elected with that hat. Seriously, you look like the kinda guy that would own an accordion.

 

Are these supposed to be questions?

 

Checking your background, I see your big accomplishment was creating a $35 water bottle, probably made by orphan children with tiny hands. Frankly, that’s pretty genius. What amazing innovations do you have planned for the citizens of this fair city?

 

My first innovation isn't hi-tech or cutting-edge, for that matter, but it's a "Welcome Mat" I plan to put outside City Hall. The City needs to partner with the community and not be a gatekeeper.

 

Maybe you could charge $99.99 for those mats?…. seems to be your MO. I got a better one for you: charge a couple bucks to use the Town Square shitter. The morning Starbucks overflow alone would generate some serious coin.

 

I’ll take that under advisement.

 

Personally, I’m a Basecamp coffee man and (8 times out of 10) can make it back to the Rotary Park restroom before any fireworks go off. Along those lines, what are your plans for free housing? I’d like to get out of the park before winter sets in.

 

Sorry to break this to you, Butch, but I don’t think “free” housing is in the cards. I do plan to work with city officials and private industry to encourage more housing options…smaller homes, micro homes, affordable homes.

 

Listen Neil, I’m not sure how you fellas did things back in Africa but here we already have loads of tiny homes. They’re called 'trailer parks' and some even have HBO. It’s pretty clear that your lack of political experience and understanding of American culture is going to be an issue. With that in mind, have you sought advice from any local politicians?  DeWayne Briscoe, perhaps? Now there's a man who could get shit done. 

 

DeWayne definitely showed a consistent ability to connect with local law enforcement……connecting with other city departments will also be important for me to be effective.

 

Good point, let’s talk about your keys to victory……aside from constantly bragging about your huge penis, you also had some local big hitters endorse your candidacy, namely Mickey Garcia and Baird Gourlay. Everyone is curious….Quienes mas macho, Garcia or Gourlay?

 

Mickey for sure.

 

Senor Mickey es muy macho…verdad.

 

Yes, but what was that you said about me making certain claims?

 

You mean how you're always boasting about having a giant penis?... Are you saying that’s not true?

 

Not true in the sense that I did not proclaim that.

 

I’m confused, so you’re saying you have a small, crooked penis?

 

No, I’m not saying that…let’s just move on.

 

Many folks were offended by your campaign slogan “G’s Up, Ho’s Down” in that it was perhaps a bit sexy. But really, what’s wrong with being sexy?

 

I believe you mean “sexist” and that was not my campaign slogan. My slogan is 'community inspired leadership'.

 

We can agree to disagree there but I'm glad you brought up “community”. The Stuffer crew got together and watched your debate. I wish I could say it was riveting, quite the contrary but, in any event, we created a drinking game based around every time you said the word “community”.…we got shit faced, thanks for that.

 

Glad you all enjoyed it.

 

I want to leave you with some advice that will undoubtedly help you in your new position: 

 

1. Change up the goofy-ass hat. If you want to connect with the Ketchum residents go for a trucker hat, preferably with the brim in pristine, unbent condition and adorned with a small trout or a bird on it.

 

2. Try to avoid Third Beginnings Recovery, the food is for shit and the ladies are pretty tore up…. even by my standards.

 

3. Don’t trust Whitey 

 

You’re welcome.

 

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