Ketchum, ID-- "It's seriously a different world down there," Ketchum resident Robert Francis remarked to no one in particular as he secured the 30 gallon water tank to his Sportsmobile roof and covered the Zynergy parking pass affixed to the dashboard. "There are people down there--bad people--who have guns, smell like people and work with their hands."
Mr. Francis continued to prepare for a family trip to Park City that would have him driving right through the underbelly of both Hailey and Bellevue by counting rations, checking tire pressure and practicing local vernacular like "public school" and "affordable."
As Francis frantically looked for his bear spray from a recent trip to Jackson, WY, his wife Pfeffer continued to prep their two children for the harrowing 45 minute drive to the blinking light. "Remember, under no circumstances should you ever look anyone in the eyes. They view it as a challenge. Dominque, tuck your travel wallet into your waistband! It doesn't do any good if they can see it! Remember what I told you...mom grew up in a place not unlike the South Valley and I know it all too well."
42 year old Pfeffer Francis originally from Los Altos, California stated, "When I was growing up in east L.A., well we really had to navigate some dicey characters on the way to therapy, so I'm no stranger to the savage mentality. Robert just needs to keep his eyes on the road and pray we don't hit any red lights."
As Mrs. Francis continued to prep the children, Robert unfolded a tattered map constructed of waxed goatskin that was given to him by a fellow Thunder Springs resident who had successfully--though not without mishap--completed the circumnavigation of Shoshone.
"Jacques gave me this map of South Valley. See that gas station that he circled? That's where his kids bought gluten pizza like it was free trade candy. And the red star right there is where things really got bad. The Rocket Box popped open, scattering their Roller Nordic Skis near Mahoney's. They had to stop the Denali, run into the street and gather their equipment. A local actually tried to help them but fortunately Jacky was savvy enough to ignore them and get on his way." Mr. Francis added, "One of their Vibram Five Finger's was lost completely."
While staring off into his 290 degree view of Ketchum, Francis shivered before noting, "He and Gwen almost perished that day. I'm really lucky to be holding this map."
Mrs. Francis closed the back doors on the van and secured a padlock to the chain. "I had Robert stop by Silver Creek to stock up on fleeces and North Face Expedition Weight socks. We've got extra Whole Foods organic emu jerky and I actually got some cash in low denominations in case we have to bribe our way through Woodside. This ain't my first rodeo, amigos."
**At press time no word had been heard from the Francis family, though a charred van similar in color had been spotted on cinder blocks behind the Silver Dollar.**