Idaho Lawmakers Target Key Threats to State Mediocrity
Boise, Id: The Idaho House of Representatives passed a bill today designed to ensure the Gem state continues
its underperformance in virtually every category by making homosexuality, solar power and college education illegal. The ‘He's Comin' Back and He's Pissed’ Bill will reportedly “curtail the State’s degradation of morals” and "prevent Idaho from becoming the next Colorado".
"Look, I've lived in Boones Ferry all my life. It used to be good, safe and straight. Then the Mitchell kid went off to University of Boise or Boise College or whatever and came back gay as hell, wearing a beret, with tons of ideas in his head. Talkin' about this, that and the other, like he's better than us." offered State Representative Lloyd Jensen.
The issue of solar power was also sighted as an imminent threat by Representative Judith Hayes of Parma who noted the close relationship between the evils of the sun, homosexuality and wolves. “It’s a well know fact that wolves hide on college campuses where people love Elton John AND solar power. Coincidence? I think not.” Hayes concluded. “Woof, woof, you f***in’ wolf-hugger hippies!!”. It should be noted that Representative Hayes' district boasts the highest rates of teen pregnancy, feral cat poaching, high school dropouts and beastiality indictments with a local GDP consisting of 37% meth production,15% homemade horse glue and 52% ‘other’.
The bill, however, wasn't without its detractors. There were at least 3 “nay” votes from the Republican side of the aisle which signals some possible division within the ranks. "It was probably that Wilson Von Poofy Pants or whatever his name is up in Blaine County, he likes to call himself a Republican. Hell, they got more gays than France up there and wolves, too! He's what we real GOP'ers call a 'conserva-taint’.”
When asked about the potential loss of industry and commerce resulting from the prohibition of college education, Representative Sampson Stanham of Paul flatly rejected any such danger. "These are respected, God-fearing citizens who root their education where it matters--in the Good Book.” Stanham said, gesturing towards the collection of State Representatives now filing out of the building to the neighboring Chick-Fil-A sponsored 'Meat, Greet and Fag Beat' event held every Monday evening. “As for commerce, well, we've got a whole chamber of it so I think we're okay there."
Pressed for comment, opposition leader Dwayne Gadsby of Boise, one of only a few Independents in the House, was short and direct. "This legislature is like watching a bus full of half wits crash into a brick wall, someone get out, does a few cartwheels, sets the wreckage on fire then s***s in their hand," Gadsby said, shaking his head. "I need a smoke."
At press time, the bill was reportedly being held up due to the addition of a rider outlawing ‘disarmed citizens’.