Elon Musk Critically Injures Nutsack During Allen & Company

July 7, 2015

 

        Sun Valley, ID--  Tesla Motors founder and CEO Elon Musk (pictured above contemplatively stroking his toy rocketship) was lifeflighted to Boise this morning and is currently listed in serious but stable condition after an apparent ball washing device malfunctioned causing severe trauma to his nutsack. Musk, in town for the Allen and Company conference which plays host to some of the most successful billionaire CEO’s in the world, was speaking with Apple CEO, Tim Cook, and the octogenarian octopus of Omaha, Warren Buffett, at the Sun Valley resort when he reportedly doubled over and began screaming in agony.

 

      Blaine County Sheriff Gene Ramsey released a written statement saying, “Mr. Musk was discovered with some kind of electronic bear trap clamped onto his nutbag which was beeping, vibrating and shooting out sparks. After our fire and rescue personnel unsuccessfully attempted to remove the device with a pair of needle nose pliers and a blow torch, we decided to transfer the patient to Boise where there was probably some kind of special surgeon and/or Radio Shack employee who could be of more assistance.”

 

         While many non-billionaires are left wondering what happened, the truth is that New World Order power brokers are having to be more and more creative with ways to outdo one another. Recently, a status boosting trend has developed in which ultra-rich business executives retain their own, personal ball washer who follows them around 24 hours a day. While some of these titans of media, most notably Rupert Murdoch, still enjoy the personal touch that only a live human hand washing your testicles with a moist towelette can provide, many others have chosen to rely on a computerized nut scrubber, much like the ball washing stations at a golf course but without the vigorous ‘jacking’ motion required for operation.

 

        Former NYC mayor and Allen & Company regular, Michael Bloomberg, has been a vocal advocate for extra-clean balls. “When I stand eye to eye with my adversary, whether it be foreign dignitary or private equity vulture, there is an enormous psychological advantage when I know, and they know, my nuts are currently being polished with a fine chamois.”

 

       Although no official cause of the accident has been released, the Orbmizer 3000, Musk’s nut washer of choice, is rumored to have technical glitches involving its ‘permanent press’, ‘agitate’ and ‘random shuffle’ settings.

 

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