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EPA to Require All Homes Be Equipped With Dick Punching Enviro-Dwarf

'Green' building has long been popular here in the Wood River Valley and it's no surprise that many part and full-time residents are applauding the new home requirements just released by the Environmental Protection Agency. "It's going to take a whole lot more to save the world than energy efficient 4th homes, solar powered shih tzu shavers and Prius driving life coaches." declared Gwen Rollsbohn of Sun Valley during a 5 minute break from a pilates class. "We all have to make sacrifices."

The EPA has decided that the time has come to step up its game in response to the rapidly deteriorating global climate conditions. “We have the ability to control the world’s weather with solar panels, unflushable toilets and insulation so airtight you have to pop your fucking ears every time someone opens the door.” said EPA spokesman Don Mashby. “Do not underestimate the power of recycled plastic decking to somehow affect 100 million years of ever changing, unpredictable climate patterns.”

According to the EPA press release, the United States will now boast the 2nd most stringent eco-friendly laws in the world (Norway is still #1 where it is illegal to fart). Perhaps, the most exciting and controversial new addition is the requirement of having an EPA certified Enviro-Dwarf follow you around your home constantly asking what you’re doing to save the goddam world. If your answer is correct, he nods appreciatively. If your answer is incorrect, he punches you square in the dick. For example, let’s say it’s a cloudy day and you’d like to see a little better in the kitchen. You walk over to the light switch and, just as you’re reaching for it, a midget appears and calmly asks what you’re doing. You say something like “I’m turning on the lights so I can see” to which the little man replies “wrong!!” and roundhouse kicks you straight in the nuts.

In addition to having an eco-assault dwarf, the home will also be required to install new Enviroshame plumbing fixtures. These shower heads and sink nozzles are specifically designed to not emit water under any circumstances. Studies found that most people, after fucking with them for a while, eventually go on to do something else less selfish and hurtful to the global environment than using water. This creates an opportunity for the dwarf to admonish you, saying, "Maybe, instead of brushing your teeth or bathing, you should be reflecting on the fact that you're destroying our planet, you dumb asshole." This, of course, is followed with a lightning-quick judo chop to the groin.

As to the new laws effectiveness, only time will tell.

"Unfortunately, it will be many years before we know what affect, if any, dick-punching munchkins will have on global warming."

- Dr. Wayne Jurgenson professor of climate science at UC Berkeley

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