The University of California at Berkeley's Social Science department just released results of a comprehensive study on the human relationship phenomenon commonly referred to as ‘Marrying Up’. This condition is defined as “a discrepancy between long-term mates in not just physical attractiveness, but their competence at basic tasks, contributions to society, child-rearing, and overall value as a human being”. The study, based on dozens of national demographics, has determined Blaine County, Idaho, to be far and away the undisputed leader in ‘Marrying Up’.
“No other community we analyzed has anywhere close to the instances of a ‘hot, accomplished woman’ wedlocked to a ‘semi-retarded manchild’” said head of the UC Berkeley research team Dr. Lee Wong Tan. “In fact, our team recorded levels of mating discrepancies not seen since ‘The Great Penis Famine' of northern Quebec in 1943.”
Dr. Tan and his group of researchers traveled to the Wood River Valley and embedded themselves in the community for 9 months in hopes of learning more about this incredible statistical anomaly. Their findings from the expedition have created a buzz throughout the academic world and are being likened to discovering a long lost tribe that’s been isolated from normal society for many generations.
The different levels of ‘Marrying Up’ are delineated by a metric known as the Lovett-Joel Matrix (similar to the Saffir-Simpson scale for rating hurricane strength) which is specifically designed to categorize men who have managed to, literally, create a better half.
Cat 1- Lucky
Cat 2- Very Lucky
Cat 3- This simply isn’t adding up
Cat 4- Wife subconsciously craves lifetime of disappointment
Cat 5- Sorcery and/or Vulcan mind control only explanation
Although varying levels of ‘man somehow scoring woman way out of his league’ were detected throughout the area, Dr. Tan and his associates found one location that was a statistical outlier. Apples Bar and Grille in Warm Springs (which they nicknamed the ‘Jedi Temple of Marrying Up’) recorded more Cat 4 and 5 sightings than all other establishments in the valley, combined.
“We have a number of theories on how this occurred in the valley, but none of which we can gain consensus on.” said Sandra Cho, one of the assistant researchers. “I believe that the process evolved slowly over the last 50 years when an attractive, intelligent woman would spot another attractive, intelligent woman hanging around with some party-boy dipshit. This gradually degraded the women’s internal ‘quality’ radar thus making them vulnerable to the idea of not only spending time with buffoons, but even committing to marriage, as well as some light to moderate breeding.”
One of Tan’s less attractive and totally uncoordinated assistants, Ronald Bilch, stated, “The principles of natural selection tell us that females should be seeking the males for reproductive purposes who have the highest evolutionary "fitness" which includes ambition, ability to provide and, perhaps, a nice set of tusks. However, in this sub-population, the females are quite clearly seeking out and mating with less fit males, those with characteristics like ‘smiling for no apparent reason’, ‘generally poor judgment’ and 'the inability to comprehend concepts that go beyond recreational gear’. Perhaps this phenomenon is a form of Runaway Sexual Selection, whereby females demonstrate their own fitness by burdening themselves with a partner who is far less evolutionarily valuable? If so, the questions are: 1) Why? and 2) Can I get in on this?"
** At press time Dr. Tan and his team, although finished with the current study, are reportedly staying in the area to investigate longstanding rumors of a modern day “Harriet Tubman Express” that’s been secretly shuttling caucasians between Ketchum and Middlebury, Vermont since 1972.**