Briscoe Won't Seek Re-election Citing "Haven't I helped you people enough?"
This week at a jam packed press conference at Sun Valley City Hall, Mayor Dewayne Briscoe announced that he would not seek re-election. Citing the fact that he “had pretty much fixed everything", a cool and collected Briscoe further stated that he needed to move on but should the next guy jack up all his fine work he would return whenever the City was in need. Briscoe suggested the citizens of Sun Valley shine a spotlight on the, soon to be, Briscoe Monument at the the top of Dollar mountain as an indicator of when his greatness was needed again.
The Mayor continued to delight the press staff which came from near and far to hear the announcement. Journalists representing The Washington Post, National Review, USA Today and Cat Fancy to name a few, were on hand for the occasion. "When I took over, this place was a mess, a real shithole. I rolled up my sleeves and got to work even when those pansy ass councilmen were opposed to it.” Briscoe continued to go through the litany of massive overhauls that took place under his watch; "Remember when you used to call 911 and get a busy signal?...Fixed that shit. That pothole at the corner of Morningstar and Elkhorn road..gone! The men’s toilet at City Hall, put a new damper in that bitch, no more jiggling the handle.” Briscoe continued, “Let's also not forget Taco Tuesday, mandatory nap time and the peanut brittle fundraiser...all my ideas, all kicked ass!”
When asked about the numerous lawsuits incurred by the City during his tenure which ultimately cost the city hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal fees, Briscoe retorted, "I'm extremely proud of those. If you or anyone is gonna step to me or my City, my response is 'come at me bro'. Do I have to remind everyone here that my record is like 10 and 0 on that shit??”
The tension continued to build with a question regarding allegations that he was stalking his former girlfriend and laid in wait behind her residence to which the Mayor quickly rebuffed, "Listen amigo, those places up there are designated public ‘open space’ by the Sun Valley Comprehensive plan, another thing I kicked ass on, by the way.” Briscoe, visibly upset with the reporters line of questioning, said, “1. Do your fucking research before you try and bring up some weak ass shit. 2. You better check your damn tone before I come down there and crack your skull".
When asked what he would miss most, a clearly emotional Briscoe stated that he really loved riding in the Wagon Days Parade, doing guest puppet shows at the Community School and, mostly, getting to have a siren on his car.
In closing, the mayor thanked the press for attending and then promptly dropped the mic, stating, "You’re Welcome, Bitches".. to which the adoring crowd rose in unison to applaud Sun Valley's favorite son.