Female-On-Male Domestic Violence Reports Surge Following Kindercup
Dating back to 1957, the Kindercup race is one of the great Sun Valley traditions and annually attracts up to 250 skiers ranging in ages from 3 to 12 years old. Although intended to be a fun event for the entire family, the week immediately following the race sees an enormous spike in area divorce filings and domestic violence complaints.
“I’ve been in the law enforcement business for 30 years and
it’s virtually guaranteed that our deputies will be extra busy this week.” stated Blaine County Sheriff Gene Ramsey. “Just this morning, we had a report in Warm Springs of a middle aged caucasian female wearing yoga pants beating the shit out of her husband with an adjustable length carbon ski pole.”
Although difficult to pinpoint an exact reason for the post race familial turmoil, area psychologist Tina Reisman has some unique insights into the phenomenon. “My practice see’s a huge increase in court ordered marital counseling following the event. In summary, it appears that a mother not seeing her child on the Kindercup podium unlocks a deep-seated mania that often results in excessive chardonnay consumption followed by violence.” Reisman continued, “In almost all instances, the husband (and often his mother) is believed to be responsible for the perceived lack of aggression and skill shown by their toddler on a 100 foot long race track with a slope angle of 14 degrees.”
Fathers of Kindercup particpants who are being battered by their wives are encouraged to gather every afternoon for a support group hosted at Apples Bar and Grill from 3 to 9 pm, everyday, for the next month or so.
The Marten Stuffer obtained a transcript of a Kindercup related 911 call from Sunday night:
911 Dispatch: Blaine County 911, what’s your emergency?
Victim: It’s my wife, she’s gone crazy
911 Dispatch: Ok, sir, where is your wife right now?
Victim: She’s tearing the house apart, I’m hiding in the pantry…...Oh, God, she’s found me! (*inaudible words* with sounds that appear to be a struggle for control of the phone)
Victims Wife: Hello?!!?
911 Dispatch: Ma’am, this is Blaine County 911
Victims Wife: Oh, good!! I’d like to report a crime!! My pussy ass husband passed on his pussy ass genes to our pussy ass kids!!