Friedman Airport Authority Votes to Relocate Hailey
After a fractious, multi-decade debate, the Friedman Airport Authority has unanimously decided to relocate the town of Hailey and utilize the site of the current “Main Street” as a new runway to accommodate larger passenger jets. Although there has been no decision made on the relocation site, it will likely be somewhere in the 200,000 acres of desert scrub brush south of the triangle. According to the updated Master Plan, the majority of homes and businesses will be bulldozed and sold off for scrap while the Wood River Wolverines Football Stadium will be converted to a Hunger Games/Gladiator Arena and the
Community Campus to the nation’s premier white-collar penitentiary.
While the majority of Hailey residents are disappointed with the decision, North Valley dwellers are thrilled:
Mac Reebok of the Sun Valley Company applauded the change stating, "our guests have been forced to suffer the profound indignity of driving through Hailey on their way to and from the resort for over 80 years."
Timothy Cartier, long-time Warm Springs resident said, "I always thought the only thing that could make Twin F...uh, Hailey, better was it simply not existing. This new airport is a real win/win!!"
Speaking from atop a barstool in the darkest corner of the Hailey Hotel, Hailey Mayor Fritz Hammerle stated, while despondently stirring a manhattan, “Ah, fuck it. Who are we kidding. Look around you. They’re right. I bought property in Ketchum 3 years ago."
No comment was available from Bellevue area residents as they have yet to hear the news due to the rolling blackouts and lack of internet access that so often plagues such populations.
A Wood River Valley historical perspective for those not familiar: Hailey was founded in 1879 by a group of settlers who thought they had arrived in Ketchum. 2 weeks later, another group of settlers rode directly through Hailey without making eye contact and proceeded 12 miles further north to a place that not only didn't suck, but was totally awesome. So began the era of southerners resentment towards the ‘elite’ north. Over the coming decades, Ketchum flourished due to a robust beaver trapping industry, silver mining and a far better climate with scenic vistas. Hailey, on the other hand, was simply 'there' and 'shitty'.
In 1936, railroad robber baron Averell Harriman hired a drunken Nazi pederast to find him a suitable location for a ski resort and Sun Valley was born. Hailey residents, instead of the traditional option of sitting around and waiting to die, were suddenly provided vast employment opportunities for any able-bodied person willing to fetch drinks, dig holes, pull weeds and/or perform oral. The only other bright spot of significance for Hailey came during the mid-90's when Bruce Willis (in the throes of a multi-year cocaine and whiskey fueled blackout) moved to the area and pumped over 40 million dollars into the local economy. Unfortunately, Willis sobered up in 2008 and promptly left town.