Valley Productivity Plummets, Hash Candy to Blame
Sun Valley, ID- While many communities around the country are struggling to deal with the horrific rise in opioid addiction, the Wood River Valley is facing a different kind of crisis. Edible cannabis usage has skyrocketed and the entire region is feeling the effects. The Sun Valley Chamber of Commerce is reporting valley wide productivity has declined 70% year over year and, if this disturbing trend continues, 4 out 5 residents will likely spend all day playing Q*bert and eating pork rinds.
What is causing the recent trend of edible marijuana consumption? Local law enforcement officials believe dope runners from neighboring rogue states like Washington, Oregon and Nevada (where cannabis is legal) are taking advantage of Idaho's open-border policy to smuggle in large quantities of pot products.
Retired Blaine County Sheriff Gene Ramsey saw this
problem coming years ago. "I was in the law enforcement business my entire adult life." stated Ramsey. "Drug use has always been a part of this community, especially hippie drugs like grass, acid, reds, blues, goof balls, poppers, quackers, laughers, wall bangers, dipshits, ring dings, bam booms and pa rum pum pum pums.” Ramsey continued, “Now we’ve got people getting high off dope filled lollipops, for Chrissakes.”
While many people assume pot is harmless, there have been
some recent accidents attributed to orally ingested marijuana. 53 year old West Ketchum resident Pete Feinberg was nearly killed after getting his arm stuck in the YMCA vending machine while trying to retrieve a sack of Funyons that had become lodged in the snack delivery chute. Also, earlier this month, multiple complaints were filed against lift operators (primarily at Mayday and Cold Springs) who were so crosseyed on pot chocolate they were physically unable to perform their task of pushing a button.
Area drug expert and vigorous animal husbander John Brody offered some insight into the troubling trend. “The pot world is going through some dramatic changes with the recent legalization in many states. It’s the Wild West…..pun intended.” After laughing at
his own joke for almost an entire 3 minutes, Brody continued, “The problem is finding a consistent potency that works for you. For example, I ate 3 gummy bears this morning and, other than experiencing some breathing difficulty, I feel fantastic. However, if I were to feed those same 3 gummy bears to, say, a draft horse, it would almost certainly die.” Brody then shouted, “Prime the pump, grow a pair, make it weird!” and dove headfirst out of the nearest window.
With so many edible pot products on the market, it’s difficult to figure out what’s OK and what to avoid. Below is a list of some of the most popular items:
Chrondike Bars- imagine eating ice cream that made you hide under a bed for 6 to 8 hours
Uncle Randy’s Dank Mints- available in potency ranges from ‘dinner with parents’ to ‘full retard’
Stoney Ranchers- delicious little fruit chew that can cause anxiety on the level of Simon Birch falling into a lion enclosure.
Stickiest of the Icky Patch Kids- these are best if you want to only be able to communicate by winking and giving a 'thumbs up'
'This is Permanent' Pops- on a buzz scale of 1 to 10, this is 'monkey riding a bicycle'