Valley STD Rates Highest Since Earth, Wind & Fire Concert of '86

Sun Valley, ID: First reported by the IME last week, the South Central Idaho Public Health District is urging residents to practice safe sex, as data shows a spike in cases of sexually transmitted diseases in Blaine County not seen since Earth, Wind & Fire’s tour bus was stranded in Sun Valley during a snowstorm in the winter of 1986. All 27 members of the American pop band (best known for blending soul, jazz-fusion and cocaine) were hanging around the valley with nothing to do except party and breed locals for days on end. When the dust cleared, the band was gone and all that was left were itchy rashes and sore asses.

South Central Public Health District epidemiologist Christi Dawson-Skuza stated, “We’ve seen an alarming spike in virtually all STD categories this year.” Dawson-Skuza continued, “not only are we seeing increases in the common diseases like herpes and chlamydia, but also in specific strains native to the valley such as ‘Bellevue Crabs’ ‘Casino-rrhea’ and ‘Guide Dick’.”

According to a simple Google search regarding the best prevention of STDs: you should always use a condom or dental dam and occasionally bathe with soap paying particular attention to scrubbing out the cock/balls/vagine/ass area.